What Was Wrong With Me?

Enduring the accusation of being depicted as this low-life thug and monster-- I was expected to express remorse for something that I did not commit, while still figuring out and "safeguarding" my own emotions. It was almost impossible for me to exude the sympathy I felt for the victim and family while I was drowning in my frustration, confusion and pain.

There is a hereditary attribute regarding the way emotions are dealt with in my family. It is something acquired from Madre whom (like most single mothers) faced struggles, but She never displayed emotion. She maintained a tough skin and hard shell, despite everything She's endured.

Admittingly, I was a Mama's boy growing up. I'd cry when I was being bullied by my siblings. Nonetheless, I got punished alongside them (in retrospect- this happening at an early age, instilled some of the effects of my default reaction to stay silent).

"One day, fifth grade, I was crying, I was afraid,
I told Her "I might get suspended for something I didn't say".
She told me "that's no reason to cry" and wiped my tears away,
Mom taking the role of dad to wipe my fears away."

[Quoted from a Poem I wrote Madre on her 55th Bday, entitled "55 Bars from the Heart & Soul"].

Madre had to toughen me up.

When I was about 15 years old, I was with my girl (let's call her Cora) at her sister's house. Cora was babysitting four kids over the summer and I used to chill and help out. Fast forward, one day, Cora kept "going to the store", displaying suspicious behavior. So on her fourth trip "to the store", she took the oldest girl she was babysitting (whom was 11). I observed them stop in front of the building, and converse with three older teens. I went back to the computer in the room, and chilled. The youngest girl came into the room and told me that "Cora is going to the store, so she could talk to boys". I told her "I know, don't mention it because I don't want you to get into trouble". I surprisingly was not upset. What was wrong with me?

However, a few minutes after they got back "from the store"-- Cora told the 11 year old girl, to "go throw out the trash". I got up from the computer when I heard this, walked out of the room to see Cora walking towards the apartment door whispering to the 11 year old. I blocked the apartment door and told Cora (too damn calm) "if you want to go talk to those boys out there, go ahead-- but don't send a little girl". Cora's expression was, sad to say, priceless. Her bottom jaw stuck to her neck, as she stammered some words out and spazzed on the children. She ended up quitting the babysitting gig (in which I took over by default).

About a week after this incident, I was with my brother-in-law, waiting for his friends. It was nighttime, and we were waiting on a corner, across the street from Cora's building. A car pulled up and parked about 15 feet away from us. Not long after this, Cora came out of her building and walked from across the street towards me. When she touched the sidewalk, she instantly pivoted (not acknowledging me) and walked towards the car. Her sister followed behind her, but stopped and gave me a kiss on my cheek, whispering "sorry". The passenger got out of the car, and it was one of the same boys from that babysitting incident. As Cora hugged him and ran her fingers through his hair, my brother-in-law asked me "what's up with her? You still together? You want to do something?". I responded "nah, I'm good" still too (genuinely) passive. What was wrong with me?

The following day, her father cursed me out, called me "p***y" and told me "I should've stopped the car, pulled Cora out by her hair and slapped her in the middle of the street". I was so baffled that this was Cora's own father telling me this. Apparently, the whole family was upset at her for this stunt. I still was not upset. Was there something wrong with me?

When I was in my late teens, one late night I went to the 24 hour store on my block. As I was receiving my items and change through the store clerk's bulletproof window, I was placed into a chokehold from someone behind me. The voice demanded "give me your money and cigarettes". I threw my change back into the window, elbowed the individual and removed myself from his grapple-- coming face-to-face with him. I looked down and saw that he had a knife. I just immediately started laughing and asked him rhetorically "you gonna stab me?" and I cracked up even more. It was my immediate response. This reaction of mine, caused him confusion, whereas his partner (whom was blocking the door from the outside) came in, feigning oblivion asked "what's going on?". I brushed past his partner and told them "I know ya not from around here-- just wait here, I'll be back". I was bluffing because there was nothing I was going to or could have done. Sad part is, there were two friends with me-- waiting outside the store. But they were too oblivious to what had just happened and wouldn't have done anything anyway. These two individuals would later implicate me in the crime I am currently incarcerated for. What was wrong with me?

When the detective spoke to me, he told me that he didn't believe I was involved in this crime, but if I didn't talk then "the DA is going to make a case". Despite the fact that I disassociated from these individuals long before my arrest, despite the fact that these same individuals implicated me-- I still did not talk. Was there something wrong with me?

I protect Loved Ones from my woes, often insisting that I am okay. Everytime they came to court, I'd smile at them, mouth "I Love You" and attempt a reassuring head nod. These gestures offended the judge, and even worse, the victim's family-- whom believed I was nonchalant or lacked remorse. Smiling, smirking or laughing tends to be my default reaction to almost anything- but especially when something is ridiculous. Hence the(se) accusations. What's Wrong With Me?